christmas rats, christmas trips, christmas moving & other extremely christmassy things...

unfortunately all i wanted for christmas i did not get... and what i wanted was that giant ROUS (rodent of unusual size, yes, i love princess bride) DEAD. despite the many traps we set out inside our place and the numerous traps the landlord set outside, it has been over a week and still no dead rodent... we haven't seen any signs of droppings, the house doesn't smell like he decided to make a wall in our house his final resting place and there have been no other instances of vicious attacks on our kitchen... so. strange.

it's almost like he's a ghost rat. which would make sense since our duplex is already haunted by edith. yes, we named her. yes, we love her because she's a nice ghost. for the most part. she just has this thing where she hates electronics and likes to mess with them a lot. and open and close doors. but there haven't been any scary mishaps, so it would only make sense that she have a ghost pet rat.

i'm not too worried about it since i'm moving... ooooooh... tomorrow. i'm stressed but excited but anxious... so you know, all good feelings :) i don't know why i was on crack and thought moving on new year's eve was a good idea, but you know... i don't always have the best ideas. in fact, normally my ideas are really awful. take this one for example.

it's a good thing that i spent the last six days in arizona for christmas. i got to meet ferret's family and friends... i was pleasantly surprised by how awesome/welcoming everyone was. it was probably one of the best vacations i've ever had with someone. even though he has 1.2 million friends and i was on what felt like a national stand-up comedy tour since we hung out with almost all 1.2 million of them during the six days we were in town. it was a whirlwind, but damn, it was fun.

i even got to ride a quad (four wheeler for those of us from texas... only this isn't just any four wheeler, it's souped up and has crazy sport suspension) up the mountains... the view was gorgeous, the weather was perfect... we even saw a little snow... ferret even let me drive (BIG mistake) and almost peed himself because i'm a little crazy when i drive. i'm female. it's natural.

christmas eve, he and his friends have this awesome tradition of riding bikes around the neighborhood to look at the luminaries that line the street. it was absolutely amazing... we even got to sit by the fire pit and indulge in hot chocolate before the ride... ferret felt so christmassy that he even wore a christmas sweater with shoulder pads... that's dedication, folks, as it was rather nipply outside. the best part was that he had to hacksaw his bike so that i could fit on it. yes, i'm an adult. no, i can't ride adult bikes. they should really make small adult bikes for midgets. it gets really embarrassing when you have to continually buy kids bikes... just sayin.

we also went to eat with a huge group of his friends at 4 peaks brewery... they have peach beer, y'all. it's incredible & goes down easy. which definitely explains why i was hungover the next day. stacy, one of ferret's best friends who is cool as shit, and i made friends with a sweater slut who decided it was too risky to wash her hands after having gone pee because she didn't want to wash the slut off her hands. i don't blame her. it's fun having slut hands. stacy decided that in case of emergency a sweater can be turned into a dress as our new friend had done. i thought that her fake boobs could serve as flotation devices, but apparently i was wrong. fake tits do NOT float, according to stacy, who had been enlightened by MANSWERS. i was sad. it felt wrong. i might have cried since my expectations had turned out to be so incredibly wrong. i might need counseling to get over it.

well... my fingers are tired of typing, so i guess that means this post is officially over. in the meantime, i'll try to think of some awesome new years resolutions for 2012.

2011 sucked. bring it on, 2012. you better be a good one.

happy new years, y'all.

all i want for christmas is a kitchen rat?

i woke up at 3 am to an empty bed, the tv on but on mute and my bedroom door wide open. apparently ferret had been woken up by what sounded like an extremely dangerous and armed intruder shuffling through our stuff in the kitchen. he grabbed his knife (instead of the gun, of course... knives are way better at killing dangerous criminals) to go save our lives... when he flipped on the lights, all he saw was that the bag of maple cookies that roomie brought back from canada ripped to shreds... he searched the entire kitchen high and low and did not find any signs of life.

once he finished telling me this crazy story, we tried to fall back asleep and all of a sudden heard the loud rustling in the kitchen again. this time he decided to try to sneak up on the imposing animal with a flashlight, but it was to no avail. sneaky little devil. the rat, not cody, of course.

apparently the rat/mouse/giant opossum had devoured 3/4 of the bag of maple cookies... annnnd at a hefty 250 calories per cookie, i hope he's happy with his newly engorged waistline. what a fat asshole.

i spent the rest of the night tossing and turning because of nightmares with giant ratlike creatures trying to attack me. so not only did he eat my yummy cookies, he caused me to lose sleep. jerk. i hope he's fat and happy. and that his stomach explodes from all those calories... or maybe i hope it implodes... less messy for me.

if his giant feast didn't cause him to keel over, i made sure to purchase a rat trap and two mouse traps to catch this asshat in the act. hopefully by tomorrow we can have a eulogy for this miscreant.

wish me luck.

whoa there, don't over-do it...

yeah, that's right... TWO posts in ONE week. that's right, bitches.

due to my divorce i've moved twice already this last year... so i figured what the heck? it's the holidays... the busiest time of the year... i think since my house sold it's time to find a new place. GENIUS idea... lemmetellya.

so NOW, not only am i scrambling to find the perfect christmas presents for my friends on a smaller budget than usual, but i now have that additional challenge of packing (fortunately for me, a lot of my stuff is still packed from the last two times i moved this year) before the new year and before and after my week long crazy christmas vacation in arizona with ferret... which, as i said before, will be extremely nerve-wracking as i get to meet the family, friends and other people affiliated with my new favorite person of life. i know. i'm a little crazy. but i kind of like my life that way.

i've also spent countless hours on the computer trying to research cheap ways to decorate that i will actually like... believe me, it's a challenge. a bigger one than it seems since i have champagne taste on a non-alcoholic drink budget (that's worse than a beer budget... TRUST me). i have yet to come up with a bigger waste of my free time... so far this activity suffices pretty well.

found this awesome couch on craig's list that i would show you a photo of but they deleted the posting because i bought that bitch last night... let's just say that it's super sexy, brown leather and super contemporary which i think will mix nicely with my antique, industrial and glittery design fetish. i love anything old, unique, rustic and shiny. that about sums it up. which could be a major train wreck, but hopefully i'll be able to post pics to prove otherwise. you be the judge.

i have also found some pretty fugly items on good 'ol craig's list as well:


sure, plaid and floral looks FABULOUS together... ummm, wow.


just what i wanted... sliding mirrored closet doors. CHECK!


gaudy AND teal... what a winning combo

oh my... and these are only a small few of the beauties available. it really makes me wonder who looked at that shit in the first place and decided to buy it. really, people?!?!

well now, i have to head off to keep up my stringent working out schedule so i can get supah hot before the great merry arizona christmas adventure... (don't worry, it's still a working title).

time flies when you're having fun??? or maybe it's just because i'm super busy...

soooo, it's been about a month and a half since my last blog... i'm pretty sure that means i fail at this blog thing. but i'm used to failure, so it's not really a big deal. plus i've been too busy to notice... and i've been having too much fun... and i've been too busy having fun. so there.

although i'm sure your life has lost a little of its sparkle with the absence of my inane ramblings. but i'm back bitches. you're welcome.

i'm signing a lease on a super cute duplex tomorrow... super stoked about that... now i will have approximately 900 sq feet of places to put all my things from my 2,300 sq foot house... which SOLD. thank you blog gods, because not long after i posted about wishing my house was sold, my wish was granted. i'm officially free, y'all. let's celebrate! but not too much because moving is expensive and now i'm poor. fun times. especially at christmas.

craig's list is creepy. when i was looking for places to live, i seriously found an ad asking for sexual favors in return for free rent, which i would have been all for except that the ad specifically stated that the whole idea was "less creepy than it sounds." i felt like if you have to clarify that then it is, in fact, a pretty creepy situation. and i feel like i've had a big enough dose of creepers this year. just sayin.

other news... i'm taking a trip to arizona to meet ferret's friends and fam... i guess this is a big step for us? who knows... i just know that i've already started memorizing facts, figures and names of all his favorite people there, started working out hardcore and am on a super strict diet and skin regiment. ok, i might be exaggerating a little, but i am kind of nervous... but if they love him, they should love me. because he's basically me in a man's body. which makes me feel kind of vain for being with him, but whatever. the awesomeness far outweighs any vanity...

i am, however, going to have to chill it with the inappropriateness during my trip... i don't want these people getting the right idea about me BEFORE they start loving me. i should probably chill it with the inappropriateness in general. i've started to notice that other people notice. exhibit a: me and my friends (bestie and gaybian... who isn't really gay, more just metro) were eating at in n out burger during lunch the other day when i started talking about how one of my friends has been really stressed lately and probably just needs to get laid... i didn't realize how loudly i was talking until the creeper next to us looked over at us, asked us if she was cute and said he could help her out for an hour... WOW. people are crazy. or maybe i'm crazy for talking about such things loudly, but that's just how i do it, kids. get used to it. or maybe that should be one of my new year's resolutions. but why set myself up for failure?

jump out of a perfectly good plane? don't mind if i do...

as of this last sunday, i'm finally in my late twenties. *sigh* i mean, i knew it was going to happen one day or another, so i'm glad to get this milestone down now.

also, as of last monday, i'm officially divorced. i'm free, y'all. now if only i could get our house sold so it is completely over and i have 1,526 times less stress in my life. that's what i want for my birthday. p.s. the homebuyers these days are extremely picky and i have a hard time dealing with their dumb comments... you're really not going to pick my house because you don't like the paint colors? weaksauce. soooooo if i could get the saints and gods to align for me in order to get that little piece of heaven in the burbs sold that would be awesome. k thanks.

back to the birthday awesomeness... ferret told me he had a little surprise for me... which required getting up at 8 am on a saturday to go hiking. i'm not kidding you. i thought this kid knew me. apparently i was wrong. early saturday mornings + hiking + cam do NOT mix. because of his last name, i rudely lovingly refer to him as ferret... sooooo he also mentioned that we were hiking to a ferret farm so i could pick out a REAL ferret for my birthday. happy birthday to me. being the sweet girlfriend that i am, i complained the entire time we were driving and threatened to do equally unfun things to him for his birthday... that is, until we pulled up to the skydiving place. holy hell, y'all, i completely lost my shit, started screaming and immediately declared him the best boyfriend of life. because clearly best boyfriend of the year wasn't enough for such an awesome present. he even got me a video and still photos so i could prove to people how crazy i am.
obviously i have a screw loose because i lacked even the least bit of nervousness... & i can't tell you how glad i am that i did it. seriously one of the coolest things i've ever done in my life. all thanks to my awesome boyfriend. i take it back about doing something lame for your birthday... now i totally have some stepping it up to do in the present department :)

we also got a group together to go eat at nosh... it's an extremely awesome restaurant in dallas off of oak lawn for serious foodies. everything we ate was absolutely fantastic and i highly recommend it. AND everyone has an awesome attitude and is super helpful as far as the staff goes. after nosh, we took an even bigger group out to teddy's... it's a club with burlesque shows a couple times a night. despite the fact that i almost faceplanted on the way in and then we got poured on on the way out it was tons of fun. especially the part where i got hit on by a creepy dude when ferret was closing the tab. dallas guys are ridiculous and have a hard time dealing with rejection. wait, i guess that's guys in general. or people in general. whatevs. oh and the DJ kept spinning LMFAO... one of my least favorite bands of all time. thankfully i had all my best friends and my amazing boyfriend to make the night fun despite all the craziness. best. birthday. ever.

plus, my roomie is amazing & made me the cutest ninja turtle birthday cake. try not to be jealous. it will be hard.

suicidal squirrels are so in this fall...

i was driving to work this morning without a care in the world, windows rolled down, listening to some super introspective indie music i'm sure... when out of nowhere this gangster squirrel darts in front of my car and just STANDS there staring at me with his beady little eyes like he had a death wish.

now i realized that i would most probably win this chicken deathmatch, but i love animals. ALL animals. and it would hurt me far worse than it would hurt him if i ran over the little bugger regardless of the mean mugging he was doing while standing daringly in front of my bumper.

so i screetched to a hault and honked the horn to make him move. fortunately he got the message and ran off into someone's front yard to safety. i can't be sure, but i thought i saw him giving me the finger as he ran away... sorry for screwing up your suicide plans, sir! seriously! i just saved your life... the least you could do is THANK ME. squirrels are assholes, y'all.

during lunch today i went to target with my bestie... i'm not really sure what we went in to target to purchase, but i'm pretty sure we came out with more than we bargained for. i swear that you can't get in and out of that place without spending over $100 and getting hives from all the panic attacks due to the vast amounts of shopping treasures inside.

plus, i found a dress with birds on it. no lie. i LOVE birds. well not real birds... i love birds in theory and i love drawings and photos of birds... real birds are like rats with wings and that makes me want to vomit. fake birds, however, are my reason for living. so i HAD to buy the dress. on principle alone. because there are birds on it, y'all. AND a front zipper... and that was just a bonus. so i did. (put a bird on it, y'all)

so the lesson for today is that squirrels are suicidal assholes and fake birds on a dress can totally turn your day around. PLUS, it's thursday so it's practically the weekend... don't forget to wear your party pants tomorrow.

this is probably longer than anyone wants to read, so feel free to skim it...

i paid $11 to sleep through a movie the other night. i also got attacked by a small dog the size of a wiener (otherwise known as a wiener dog). i got alcohol poisoning for only the second time in my life. i ditched a guy trying to accost my roommate (roomie... please note that names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent) by saying that my boyfriend had lost my dog... let's just say that i'm not a good actress. i also saved a small cat from uncertain death in a tree.

true story. well, except for the cat part. and this all happened in a little over a week from the last time i blogged. try and tell me that i don't live a crazy life.

last tuesday was my first non-wedding anniversary. i felt like i had to do something to commemorate it since i wasn't really planning on being sad... so i took my girls out to stan's down the street and proceed to get wastey. hardcore wastey. i'm talking two beers, a pitcher, 3.5 shots and two more beers wastey. from what i remember, we had a really good time. ferret wasn't around because he had a scream-o concert to attend (and from the video he sent me, i'm pretty glad i didn't go... even the short clip gave me a major migraine... but to each their own!), but he did manage to come by the house after to find me passed out in bed... apparently i had a full conversation with him but i remembered none of it in the morning. at least i managed to finish puking black stuff before he came over. apparently i also managed to brag about brushing my teeth before he came over. i only remember bits & pieces. which means we were extremely successful in our quest to get wastey. i like to think of us as overachievers. don't be jealous.

this was the night that we ditched the guy trying to get with roomie by buying us shots and beer by telling him my man had lost my dog. roomie legitimately freaked out despite my horrible acting skills. i blame the alcohol. sorry, ferret, for blaming you for losing my dog. it wasn't your fault. yes, you can make it up to me sometime.

that night helped me remember why i don't drink that much. so there was another major positive out of the night.

my mom has been in town since last week and we've been busy tearing up the town. she's from oregon, the great hippie state, so i've been trying to find super granola places to take her in d-town so she feels at home. we went to bolsa market on friday night in the ghetto bishop arts district. while we were driving there she kept asking me if i was sure that we were going the right way... i guess she's not used to seeing families brandishing glocks sitting on the porch... but i quickly explained that the family that shoots together stays together. she didn't seem so sure about that.

we met her financial planner for dinner and spent the whole time talking about how a guy that gets paid to advise people about money is really horrible at managing his own money. kind of ironic, but funny nonetheless. of course there was some time spent breaking wine glasses (my mom is a lightweight) and a mexican dude almost assaulted me... but i later found out that he's my neighbor and just wanted to say hi. i'm really bad at remembering people. especially when they live right next to me. call me an asshole. i'm used to it. but to be fair, he just recently moved next door.

saturday night we decided to go eat at la duni... one of my favorite restaurants in dallas and then watch the movie dreamhouse. it didn't start until 10:30... as soon as we arrived in the movie theater, i decided it would be more fun to watch the movie horizontally, so i laid down. and fell. asleep. i literally paid $11 to increase my neck and back pain and watch the back of my eyelids. roomie insisted the movie was awesome. at least it wasn't a total fail.

sunday, ferret came over and made us german pancakes and bacon with brown sugar and dijon on it... super yummy. i don't know how i got so lucky that boy can cook, but since i have the cooking abilities of a five year old i'm super glad. i mean peanut butter and jelly is one of my specialties... i'm not kidding, y'all.

then we walked around white rock lake to kill some time before the dexter premiere. i tried to push the button for the fountain so miss mae (my adorable pit/lab/bat/horse mix, see photo below) could get a drink, but found that i didn't know my own weakness and was unable to get the fountain to work. cody made a comment about me having the strength of a five year old... and he ended up getting a mouthful of water in the face. lesson. taught. at least i hope he learned something from the whole experience... however i'm sure with how hot it was, the water actually felt good... whatever, it was fun regardless.

here's miss mae:

if you turn your head to the right, then the picture totally works. i'm completely unsure of how to rotate the photo in this thing, so you're just going to have to work with me here.

as you can tell... part lab... part pit... part bat? and maybe some horse thrown in there... and some jaguar because she saunters when she walks. but this is my babygirl :)

mom went to dinner with my brother and his friend and came back right before dexter started so we had to postpone the premier until after they left... during which time roomie's dog tried to attack brother's dog and bit me in the proccess. it's swollen and bruised, but he didn't break the skin. which is a good thing since i'm super accident prone. at least i already got a tetanus shot this year when i busted it in the rangers parking lot on a bright red curb. see? i wasn't kidding about the accident-proneness.

the dexter premiere rocked, but i of course managed to fall asleep before the end. sometimes i feel like i'm an 80 year old woman trapped in a 25 almost 26 year old's body. anyone else feel like that? no? just me? of course.

carrot top is alive & well

howdy, y'all... as we like to say in texas. not that i've ever openly admitted to the fact that i'm from texas except for all intensive blog purposes, but that'll do. in fact, most of the time i claim seattle as my hometown... even though i lived there from ages -7.5 months to 4 years (i was a preemie) and have served the majority of my life sentence down here in hell texas. i'm largely in denial. and that's a theme that seems prevalent in many areas of my life.

i turn 26 in roughly a month. and i'm getting divorced. which just so happily will happen less than a week before i venture into my "late twenties." happy birthday... you're divorced. believe it or not, this was all a part of my master life plan.

hopefully you're no stranger to the use of sarcasm. i'm sarcasm's best friend. and worst enemy. which doesn't really make sense, but seemed to fit, so i wrote it anyway. sue me. but i digress...

so i went to a concert at house of blues last night with my boyfriend to see some largely unheard of bands: run run run, remington, missile and (my favorite which sounds like if MGMT and foster the people had a lovechild out of wedlock) gentlemen hall. it was definitely good stuff... if you're looking to drop some scrilla on itunes, i highly recommend gentlemen hall's CD "when we all disappear"... it's the best $5.94 you'll ever spend. TRUST. so anyway... we're just hanging out... watching all the underage high school kids trying to be cool and dancing... let me tell you... there is something incredibly ego-boosting about watching white kids at an alternative concert try to be cool and dance. but then we felt like assholes because we were some of the oldest people at the concert. touche, awfully dancing and uncool white kids. touche.

my man managed to run off to the restroom and while i was standing there trying to enjoy a little personal time, out of the corner of my eye, i spot old man time staring at me... wait, no... he was more than staring... he was eye fucking me. with a gaze of pure enjoyment. i quickly tried to ensure that my ass wasn't hanging out of my super short dress, grabbed my shit and ran. just the idea of wrinkly balls scares me, y'all.

so there i am stressing out... texting my boyfriend to come back and save me... practicing my loud neighing skills in case old man time decides to upgrade from across the room eye fucking to full on old man on late 20's girl raping and my man shows up on his white steed in full armour to rescue me. i was so happy to see him and escape the impending pillaging that i forgot to ask him where he found the horse.

then i spotted carrot top. who almost molested the couple standing behind us who looked like they were having a fabulous time by standing still with these awesome grimaces on their faces (remember what i said about sarcasm. get used to it if you're not). or he could have almost molested the drunk girl with her white shirt half falling off. either one. i wasn't sure what his target was because before i knew it, our steed carried us off into the parking lot so we could safely make it home despite the crazy crowd orgies that were going on.

all in all, it was a good night. especially since we narrowly escaped pillaging. oh and the music was cool, too.

moral of the story: don't get left by yourself in a crowd at a concert. especially not at a concert that old man time & carrot top decide to attend. unless your man finds a random white steed to carry you to safety.