Monday, October 24, 2011

jump out of a perfectly good plane? don't mind if i do...

as of this last sunday, i'm finally in my late twenties. *sigh* i mean, i knew it was going to happen one day or another, so i'm glad to get this milestone down now.

also, as of last monday, i'm officially divorced. i'm free, y'all. now if only i could get our house sold so it is completely over and i have 1,526 times less stress in my life. that's what i want for my birthday. p.s. the homebuyers these days are extremely picky and i have a hard time dealing with their dumb comments... you're really not going to pick my house because you don't like the paint colors? weaksauce. soooooo if i could get the saints and gods to align for me in order to get that little piece of heaven in the burbs sold that would be awesome. k thanks.

back to the birthday awesomeness... ferret told me he had a little surprise for me... which required getting up at 8 am on a saturday to go hiking. i'm not kidding you. i thought this kid knew me. apparently i was wrong. early saturday mornings + hiking + cam do NOT mix. because of his last name, i rudely lovingly refer to him as ferret... sooooo he also mentioned that we were hiking to a ferret farm so i could pick out a REAL ferret for my birthday. happy birthday to me. being the sweet girlfriend that i am, i complained the entire time we were driving and threatened to do equally unfun things to him for his birthday... that is, until we pulled up to the skydiving place. holy hell, y'all, i completely lost my shit, started screaming and immediately declared him the best boyfriend of life. because clearly best boyfriend of the year wasn't enough for such an awesome present. he even got me a video and still photos so i could prove to people how crazy i am.
obviously i have a screw loose because i lacked even the least bit of nervousness... & i can't tell you how glad i am that i did it. seriously one of the coolest things i've ever done in my life. all thanks to my awesome boyfriend. i take it back about doing something lame for your birthday... now i totally have some stepping it up to do in the present department :)

we also got a group together to go eat at nosh... it's an extremely awesome restaurant in dallas off of oak lawn for serious foodies. everything we ate was absolutely fantastic and i highly recommend it. AND everyone has an awesome attitude and is super helpful as far as the staff goes. after nosh, we took an even bigger group out to teddy's... it's a club with burlesque shows a couple times a night. despite the fact that i almost faceplanted on the way in and then we got poured on on the way out it was tons of fun. especially the part where i got hit on by a creepy dude when ferret was closing the tab. dallas guys are ridiculous and have a hard time dealing with rejection. wait, i guess that's guys in general. or people in general. whatevs. oh and the DJ kept spinning LMFAO... one of my least favorite bands of all time. thankfully i had all my best friends and my amazing boyfriend to make the night fun despite all the craziness. best. birthday. ever.

plus, my roomie is amazing & made me the cutest ninja turtle birthday cake. try not to be jealous. it will be hard.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

suicidal squirrels are so in this fall...

i was driving to work this morning without a care in the world, windows rolled down, listening to some super introspective indie music i'm sure... when out of nowhere this gangster squirrel darts in front of my car and just STANDS there staring at me with his beady little eyes like he had a death wish.

now i realized that i would most probably win this chicken deathmatch, but i love animals. ALL animals. and it would hurt me far worse than it would hurt him if i ran over the little bugger regardless of the mean mugging he was doing while standing daringly in front of my bumper.

so i screetched to a hault and honked the horn to make him move. fortunately he got the message and ran off into someone's front yard to safety. i can't be sure, but i thought i saw him giving me the finger as he ran away... sorry for screwing up your suicide plans, sir! seriously! i just saved your life... the least you could do is THANK ME. squirrels are assholes, y'all.

during lunch today i went to target with my bestie... i'm not really sure what we went in to target to purchase, but i'm pretty sure we came out with more than we bargained for. i swear that you can't get in and out of that place without spending over $100 and getting hives from all the panic attacks due to the vast amounts of shopping treasures inside.

plus, i found a dress with birds on it. no lie. i LOVE birds. well not real birds... i love birds in theory and i love drawings and photos of birds... real birds are like rats with wings and that makes me want to vomit. fake birds, however, are my reason for living. so i HAD to buy the dress. on principle alone. because there are birds on it, y'all. AND a front zipper... and that was just a bonus. so i did. (put a bird on it, y'all)

so the lesson for today is that squirrels are suicidal assholes and fake birds on a dress can totally turn your day around. PLUS, it's thursday so it's practically the weekend... don't forget to wear your party pants tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

this is probably longer than anyone wants to read, so feel free to skim it...

i paid $11 to sleep through a movie the other night. i also got attacked by a small dog the size of a wiener (otherwise known as a wiener dog). i got alcohol poisoning for only the second time in my life. i ditched a guy trying to accost my roommate (roomie... please note that names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent) by saying that my boyfriend had lost my dog... let's just say that i'm not a good actress. i also saved a small cat from uncertain death in a tree.

true story. well, except for the cat part. and this all happened in a little over a week from the last time i blogged. try and tell me that i don't live a crazy life.

last tuesday was my first non-wedding anniversary. i felt like i had to do something to commemorate it since i wasn't really planning on being sad... so i took my girls out to stan's down the street and proceed to get wastey. hardcore wastey. i'm talking two beers, a pitcher, 3.5 shots and two more beers wastey. from what i remember, we had a really good time. ferret wasn't around because he had a scream-o concert to attend (and from the video he sent me, i'm pretty glad i didn't go... even the short clip gave me a major migraine... but to each their own!), but he did manage to come by the house after to find me passed out in bed... apparently i had a full conversation with him but i remembered none of it in the morning. at least i managed to finish puking black stuff before he came over. apparently i also managed to brag about brushing my teeth before he came over. i only remember bits & pieces. which means we were extremely successful in our quest to get wastey. i like to think of us as overachievers. don't be jealous.

this was the night that we ditched the guy trying to get with roomie by buying us shots and beer by telling him my man had lost my dog. roomie legitimately freaked out despite my horrible acting skills. i blame the alcohol. sorry, ferret, for blaming you for losing my dog. it wasn't your fault. yes, you can make it up to me sometime.

that night helped me remember why i don't drink that much. so there was another major positive out of the night.

my mom has been in town since last week and we've been busy tearing up the town. she's from oregon, the great hippie state, so i've been trying to find super granola places to take her in d-town so she feels at home. we went to bolsa market on friday night in the ghetto bishop arts district. while we were driving there she kept asking me if i was sure that we were going the right way... i guess she's not used to seeing families brandishing glocks sitting on the porch... but i quickly explained that the family that shoots together stays together. she didn't seem so sure about that.

we met her financial planner for dinner and spent the whole time talking about how a guy that gets paid to advise people about money is really horrible at managing his own money. kind of ironic, but funny nonetheless. of course there was some time spent breaking wine glasses (my mom is a lightweight) and a mexican dude almost assaulted me... but i later found out that he's my neighbor and just wanted to say hi. i'm really bad at remembering people. especially when they live right next to me. call me an asshole. i'm used to it. but to be fair, he just recently moved next door.

saturday night we decided to go eat at la duni... one of my favorite restaurants in dallas and then watch the movie dreamhouse. it didn't start until 10:30... as soon as we arrived in the movie theater, i decided it would be more fun to watch the movie horizontally, so i laid down. and fell. asleep. i literally paid $11 to increase my neck and back pain and watch the back of my eyelids. roomie insisted the movie was awesome. at least it wasn't a total fail.

sunday, ferret came over and made us german pancakes and bacon with brown sugar and dijon on it... super yummy. i don't know how i got so lucky that boy can cook, but since i have the cooking abilities of a five year old i'm super glad. i mean peanut butter and jelly is one of my specialties... i'm not kidding, y'all.

then we walked around white rock lake to kill some time before the dexter premiere. i tried to push the button for the fountain so miss mae (my adorable pit/lab/bat/horse mix, see photo below) could get a drink, but found that i didn't know my own weakness and was unable to get the fountain to work. cody made a comment about me having the strength of a five year old... and he ended up getting a mouthful of water in the face. lesson. taught. at least i hope he learned something from the whole experience... however i'm sure with how hot it was, the water actually felt good... whatever, it was fun regardless.

here's miss mae:


if you turn your head to the right, then the picture totally works. i'm completely unsure of how to rotate the photo in this thing, so you're just going to have to work with me here.

as you can tell... part lab... part pit... part bat? and maybe some horse thrown in there... and some jaguar because she saunters when she walks. but this is my babygirl :)

mom went to dinner with my brother and his friend and came back right before dexter started so we had to postpone the premier until after they left... during which time roomie's dog tried to attack brother's dog and bit me in the proccess. it's swollen and bruised, but he didn't break the skin. which is a good thing since i'm super accident prone. at least i already got a tetanus shot this year when i busted it in the rangers parking lot on a bright red curb. see? i wasn't kidding about the accident-proneness.

the dexter premiere rocked, but i of course managed to fall asleep before the end. sometimes i feel like i'm an 80 year old woman trapped in a 25 almost 26 year old's body. anyone else feel like that? no? just me? of course.