i really am awful at this blogging thing. i'd blame it on something but i can't quite think of a good excuse.
anywho, just breaking the long tradition of silence on this blog to bring you two super genius observations of life in general. (you thought i was dead, didn't you? i don't blame you) you may want to sit down because these are earth shattering:
1. it is dangerous to eat popcorn while wearing a vneck.
2. it is impossible to eat freshly popped popcorn secretly in a cube at work.
i know. you're impressed. so am i. hence why i had to pop back here to share this great insight.
happy hump day, y'all.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Friday, August 24, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
i'm alive!
which almost wouldn't have been possible if the flying cooler that fell out of the back of a truck on the highway had succeed in brutally assaulting me today. fortunately for me, the mini is nimble and the cooler's evil attempt at manslaughter was thwarted. definitely fortunately for me. maybe fortunately for you if you're reading this. or maybe not. you decide.
if anyone actually read this thing, i'm sure they would have wondered by now where the hell i went for the last four months... but since no one does, i figure i'm safe to sneak back.
life. it has been interesting. to say the least.
i believe last time i was here, i was writing about the wonderfully awful sickness that i have had ever since i got my guardasil shot. well... i'm happy to say that WE HAVE A DIAGNOSIS! woot!
i decided, after about $500 in doctor's visits and tests that yielded no more than a shrug from the doctor, to bite the bullet and go to a homeopathic doctor (read: hippie doctor) that my brother's friend had recommended. yeah, yeah, i know. roll your eyes. i did. but AFTER rolling my eyes, i called the office and set up an appointment.
the office is about thirty minutes from my house... so not super close or anything, which left me plenty of time to freak out about the bazillion things he was going to recommend to me that would ultimately freak me out enough to go back to the regular doctors... or what i then referred to as "real" doctors. electrotherapy shock treatments, sacrificing virgins (speaking of... do you know any just in case? i don't!), ancient burial rituals (wait, do you do those if no one is dead?), the list went on and on...
i walked in the door... everything looked normal. which made me even more suspicious. then i nervously sat in the waiting room and waited (which is kind of redundant now that i think about it). they called my name and i got a tour of the office... here's the chiropractor (normal), here are the restrooms (also normal), here are the exam rooms (extremely normal)... at this point in the tour, i started to feel a little irritated. i mean, i had come up with all these awesomely creepy ideas of what it was going to be like and i was sorely disappointed. where are all the people strumming guitars and playing kumbaya FORGODSAKES?
and then. it was when i saw it. THE PRAYER WALL. i shit you not. who knew hippies were so spiritual? oh wait, i probably should have known. anyway, the chick giving me the tour was going on and on about how much they believe in prayer (which is cool and i fully support this idea) and then put me on the spot and asked me to write something on the wall. well, i'm no good when i'm put on the spot... and all i could think about praying about was that i hoped the tillamook reserve extra sharp white cheddar cheese i had brought back from oregon hadn't gone bad already. so we skipped that part.
after the prayer wall, we came to this giant room with huge windows and a crap load of recliners with people in them... just hanging out... getting IVs. yeah it was weird. kind of looked like some strange science experiment... or maybe aliens had landed and were planning to take over these people's bodies. who knows. apparently, according to my tour guide, these IVs are really helpful and can heal people of many, many sicknesses and implant a tiny computer chip in your vein so you can be tracked at all times. ok, maybe she didn't say the last part. but my brain was more than happy to tell me she did, so i began to freak out... again.
i met with the doctor and he looked me over with a fine toothed comb. i'm serious. i don't think i've ever had anyone ask me as many questions or look me over as thoroughly, so he gets bonus points for that for sure. turns out, i have hypothyroidism... and i'm extremely deficient in vitamin D. so i got prescribed some thyroid meds and was told to take vitamin D every day. easy enough. AND THEN HE HUGGED ME. which was awkward. because i have boundaries, y'all. and letting my doctor touch me in a non-doctorly way is totally infringing on said boundaries. but i let him do it. and my skin crawled the whole time. but you know what? i'm still alive. i guess hugs CAN'T kill you. weird.
ever since i started his regimen he requested i've been feeling a TON better. so... yeah, now i love hippie doctors. i've been converted. fully. i'm even thinking about getting an "i love hippie doctors" tattoo... for some reason the ferret nixed that idea, but whatever... i have ways of changing his mind ;)
if anyone actually read this thing, i'm sure they would have wondered by now where the hell i went for the last four months... but since no one does, i figure i'm safe to sneak back.
life. it has been interesting. to say the least.
i believe last time i was here, i was writing about the wonderfully awful sickness that i have had ever since i got my guardasil shot. well... i'm happy to say that WE HAVE A DIAGNOSIS! woot!
i decided, after about $500 in doctor's visits and tests that yielded no more than a shrug from the doctor, to bite the bullet and go to a homeopathic doctor (read: hippie doctor) that my brother's friend had recommended. yeah, yeah, i know. roll your eyes. i did. but AFTER rolling my eyes, i called the office and set up an appointment.
the office is about thirty minutes from my house... so not super close or anything, which left me plenty of time to freak out about the bazillion things he was going to recommend to me that would ultimately freak me out enough to go back to the regular doctors... or what i then referred to as "real" doctors. electrotherapy shock treatments, sacrificing virgins (speaking of... do you know any just in case? i don't!), ancient burial rituals (wait, do you do those if no one is dead?), the list went on and on...
i walked in the door... everything looked normal. which made me even more suspicious. then i nervously sat in the waiting room and waited (which is kind of redundant now that i think about it). they called my name and i got a tour of the office... here's the chiropractor (normal), here are the restrooms (also normal), here are the exam rooms (extremely normal)... at this point in the tour, i started to feel a little irritated. i mean, i had come up with all these awesomely creepy ideas of what it was going to be like and i was sorely disappointed. where are all the people strumming guitars and playing kumbaya FORGODSAKES?
and then. it was when i saw it. THE PRAYER WALL. i shit you not. who knew hippies were so spiritual? oh wait, i probably should have known. anyway, the chick giving me the tour was going on and on about how much they believe in prayer (which is cool and i fully support this idea) and then put me on the spot and asked me to write something on the wall. well, i'm no good when i'm put on the spot... and all i could think about praying about was that i hoped the tillamook reserve extra sharp white cheddar cheese i had brought back from oregon hadn't gone bad already. so we skipped that part.
after the prayer wall, we came to this giant room with huge windows and a crap load of recliners with people in them... just hanging out... getting IVs. yeah it was weird. kind of looked like some strange science experiment... or maybe aliens had landed and were planning to take over these people's bodies. who knows. apparently, according to my tour guide, these IVs are really helpful and can heal people of many, many sicknesses and implant a tiny computer chip in your vein so you can be tracked at all times. ok, maybe she didn't say the last part. but my brain was more than happy to tell me she did, so i began to freak out... again.
i met with the doctor and he looked me over with a fine toothed comb. i'm serious. i don't think i've ever had anyone ask me as many questions or look me over as thoroughly, so he gets bonus points for that for sure. turns out, i have hypothyroidism... and i'm extremely deficient in vitamin D. so i got prescribed some thyroid meds and was told to take vitamin D every day. easy enough. AND THEN HE HUGGED ME. which was awkward. because i have boundaries, y'all. and letting my doctor touch me in a non-doctorly way is totally infringing on said boundaries. but i let him do it. and my skin crawled the whole time. but you know what? i'm still alive. i guess hugs CAN'T kill you. weird.
ever since i started his regimen he requested i've been feeling a TON better. so... yeah, now i love hippie doctors. i've been converted. fully. i'm even thinking about getting an "i love hippie doctors" tattoo... for some reason the ferret nixed that idea, but whatever... i have ways of changing his mind ;)
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
p.s.
there was a cockroach in our bed the other night. needless to say mr. bug guy drove his happy butt out to our house to spray the little motherfuckers right this time. kill 'em dead, son!
i ain't sleeping with no cockroaches.
i already have to sleep with a ferret.*
i have limits, y'all.
*disclaimer: he's just a guy that i lovingly refer to as ferret. but still.
p.p.s. i have no idea why but whenever i talk about cockroaches, i slip into redneck mode. it's a habit. hope you're cool with it. it's ok if you're not.
i ain't sleeping with no cockroaches.
i already have to sleep with a ferret.*
i have limits, y'all.
*disclaimer: he's just a guy that i lovingly refer to as ferret. but still.
p.p.s. i have no idea why but whenever i talk about cockroaches, i slip into redneck mode. it's a habit. hope you're cool with it. it's ok if you're not.
so i've been sick...
for the last month. i've had a fever anywhere from 99-101 for 2.5 weeks straight. i've been to the doctor twice. they gave me antibiotics the first time. didn't work. gave me stronger antibiotics... still not working...
supposedly i have strep. but i *barely* have strep. because the strep test was barely positive. someone, please explain that idea. it's positive or it's not. you had sex or you didn't. playing just the tip counts as full blown intercourse. i don't care who you are.
and *obviously* this is the time of year where we are extremely short-staffed and have way too many projects so i just have to go to work sick. i can't work from home or take a sick day. which may or may not be impeding my road to recovery. i'm going to lean towards "may" but that's just me.
the worst part about being sick was that i didn't get to participate in the crackfest that is the st. paddy's day parade on greenville. well, i got to ride my bike around and stare at the trainwrecks happening and watch the cluster from my couch, but i didn't get to partake in being a drunken hooker like the rest of the females in the m streets area. i don't know if you have ever been to these festivities but i must say there are about a million people in a small amount of space with a cumulative average IQ of less than barney the giant purple dinosaur.
i'm not kidding, y'all.
we rode our bikes up to check out the parade... but the mass of bodies prohibited us from getting too close. which was probably a good thing since we watched contagion the other night (pretty good movie, FYI) and i'm now convinced that i have the disease they had in the movie since my antibiotics are not fixing my strep. and i don't want to be in trouble for infecting the entire world and wiping out the human race. just sayin.
although... at least then i'd be famous.
so. back to the topic. the sad excuse of a parade. which was really tons of people on top of trailers throwing beads (am i in new orleans? is this mardi gras? apparently so). so then we ride our bikes back to the house... it was like playing drunk frogger... where we were frogger and we had to weave through all these drunk people. drunk people who were very excited about our shiny green bikes (seriously, we didn't think it through). we made it home with very few casualties and spent the rest of the day/evening creeping on the drunk zombies.
we saw two girls pee in our side yard. yep. GIRLS. i know what you're feeling right now... i, too, was ashamed to have a vagina. especially after one of the girls kind of fell over sideways into her bathroom area as she was pulling up her pants. hope she's riding home in the back of someone's truck... otherwise someone is going to be really angry that their upholstery smells.
then we saw a drunk guy (wearing cowboy boots, mind you...) basically humping the horse of a mounted police officer. he was caressing the horse and loving the horse and i'm sure i saw a little tongue action... and then he offered the police officer a beer. are you kidding me? that just spells A-R-R-E-S-T M-E. don't you think? fortunately for this little equine lover, the police officer just laughed and kind of shooed him away.
we saw lots of people passed out on the street. CLASSY.
we saw lots of people with BABIES. WTF? seriously, people? this is a category 11 boozefest and you want to bring your newborn child?
"hey, do you mind holding junior for a moment? i need to shotgun my 20th beer of the night and then get us home safely."
"baby looked bored, so i decided to let him partake in the festivities by adding beer to his bottle... he seems to be having much more fun now."
"is that baby holding a blunt or a cigarette?"
it was really ridiculous. but then i felt comforted. if these people are surviving with living children, i will be a stellar parent. no lie.
last but not least of the night were the drunk girls leaving greenville ave and drunkenly approaching every dude they came across and trying to hit on them. every. single. guy. fortunately after 10 dudes turned them down, they found 2 that took them up on their offer. good for you. see? persistence is a virtue.
i'm just glad i had a front-row ticket to the craziness. yay for living right off of greenville.
go me!
and, if you don't mind, can you please hope i feel better soon or something? i'm working on the healing, but i seem to be doing a shitty job of it. pleaseandthankyou.
supposedly i have strep. but i *barely* have strep. because the strep test was barely positive. someone, please explain that idea. it's positive or it's not. you had sex or you didn't. playing just the tip counts as full blown intercourse. i don't care who you are.
and *obviously* this is the time of year where we are extremely short-staffed and have way too many projects so i just have to go to work sick. i can't work from home or take a sick day. which may or may not be impeding my road to recovery. i'm going to lean towards "may" but that's just me.
the worst part about being sick was that i didn't get to participate in the crackfest that is the st. paddy's day parade on greenville. well, i got to ride my bike around and stare at the trainwrecks happening and watch the cluster from my couch, but i didn't get to partake in being a drunken hooker like the rest of the females in the m streets area. i don't know if you have ever been to these festivities but i must say there are about a million people in a small amount of space with a cumulative average IQ of less than barney the giant purple dinosaur.
i'm not kidding, y'all.
we rode our bikes up to check out the parade... but the mass of bodies prohibited us from getting too close. which was probably a good thing since we watched contagion the other night (pretty good movie, FYI) and i'm now convinced that i have the disease they had in the movie since my antibiotics are not fixing my strep. and i don't want to be in trouble for infecting the entire world and wiping out the human race. just sayin.
although... at least then i'd be famous.
so. back to the topic. the sad excuse of a parade. which was really tons of people on top of trailers throwing beads (am i in new orleans? is this mardi gras? apparently so). so then we ride our bikes back to the house... it was like playing drunk frogger... where we were frogger and we had to weave through all these drunk people. drunk people who were very excited about our shiny green bikes (seriously, we didn't think it through). we made it home with very few casualties and spent the rest of the day/evening creeping on the drunk zombies.
we saw two girls pee in our side yard. yep. GIRLS. i know what you're feeling right now... i, too, was ashamed to have a vagina. especially after one of the girls kind of fell over sideways into her bathroom area as she was pulling up her pants. hope she's riding home in the back of someone's truck... otherwise someone is going to be really angry that their upholstery smells.
then we saw a drunk guy (wearing cowboy boots, mind you...) basically humping the horse of a mounted police officer. he was caressing the horse and loving the horse and i'm sure i saw a little tongue action... and then he offered the police officer a beer. are you kidding me? that just spells A-R-R-E-S-T M-E. don't you think? fortunately for this little equine lover, the police officer just laughed and kind of shooed him away.
we saw lots of people passed out on the street. CLASSY.
we saw lots of people with BABIES. WTF? seriously, people? this is a category 11 boozefest and you want to bring your newborn child?
"hey, do you mind holding junior for a moment? i need to shotgun my 20th beer of the night and then get us home safely."
"baby looked bored, so i decided to let him partake in the festivities by adding beer to his bottle... he seems to be having much more fun now."
"is that baby holding a blunt or a cigarette?"
it was really ridiculous. but then i felt comforted. if these people are surviving with living children, i will be a stellar parent. no lie.
last but not least of the night were the drunk girls leaving greenville ave and drunkenly approaching every dude they came across and trying to hit on them. every. single. guy. fortunately after 10 dudes turned them down, they found 2 that took them up on their offer. good for you. see? persistence is a virtue.
i'm just glad i had a front-row ticket to the craziness. yay for living right off of greenville.
go me!
and, if you don't mind, can you please hope i feel better soon or something? i'm working on the healing, but i seem to be doing a shitty job of it. pleaseandthankyou.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
avoidance...
it's almost as ugly as jealousy... but, here i am, fully partaking in a covert operation to avoid my blog so i can avoid having to write about the momster visit. and, dear blog, for that i am sorry. it's not that anything bad happened or that nothing blog-worthy happened. it's just... i kind of blacked out from being nervous during the entire thing, so i only remember bits and pieces... true gems...
like when i yelled...
"the bible is stupid."
-OR- "get the fuck out of my kitchen or i will stab you with this spatula."
-OR- when i contemplated picking up a knitting class. i even called bestie to ask her to enroll in it with me. apparently her oldness is wearing off on me.
-OR- when i threw her annoying wiener dog out the window of a fast-moving car because she was being whiny. ok, that one didn't happen. but i DID contemplate it.
soooo late one night... after we've all been drinking (which honestly was probably a bad idea to begin with), my momster decides to start quizzing the ferret on his religious beliefs. (honestly, woman, where is your TACT?) and this lasts for 3 hours... during which she starts out being all sweet and inquisitive and then spouting out ridiculous facts and how she cannot believe the crazy stuff they put in the book of mormon. i'm like, "oh really, woman? you believe in burning bushes talking and seas parting and all the other crazy stories in the bible, but you're going to hinge your disbelief in mormonism on the fact that the book of mormon has some far-fetched stories in it? and because of these far-fetched stories you basically think the book of mormon is stupid? well, then following THAT logic, the bible is stupid, too!"
obviously not my finest moment, but my mama bear claws came out and i had to protect my baby ferret. although he handled it a lot more gracefully than i did. i don't care what your beliefs are, please don't attack others' beliefs and call them dumb. especially not the person i'm in love with... who doesn't practice that religion anymore but just grew up in it. come on, now. common. sense.
then one night i was making my infamous chocolate chip cookies in a new oven (which is actually not so new and kind of sucks) in our super awesome duplex and she's standing over my shoulder ridiculing me about each step... "uh, hi? momster? i've made these before. they are delish. GET OFF MY BACK! did you not learn when i divorced the last guy because he kept telling me what to do in the kitchen just to be a jerk? (note to you dear readers that this was not the only reason i divorced him, but it was part of it) well, i did. get the fuck out of my kitchen before i stab you with this spatula!"
she listened. it was good.
then i decided i wanted her to knit a blanket for me. so we went to the knitting store and it took three hours. i would have given my first born ferret spawn of satan child just to get out of that place, so i agreed to take some knitting classes. then i called bestie. then she reminded me that i'm only 26. then i got the heck out of dodge.
then we drove to san antonio to celebrate her friend's aunt's 100th birthday... it was a long, difficult drive ever since mile 5 when i figured out that the damn rental car didn't have an ipod jack and we were stuck listening to the radio. and then the wiener started whining... and then it was four hours later and i was tired and i threatened that little wiener dog... just a little to get her to shut up. because i will someday be a good mom like that.
anywho... the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful... except for the night we went out to dinner with my mom, her financial planner, his bitchy girlfriend he met on match.com and ferret, of course... and this couple was making out and humping inches away from our table. that's not awkward at all. welcome to lower greenville, y'all. it's classy here.
so. for real. that was it. all the highlights anyway. now i'm done and can quit avoiding this blog like the plague.
can i vent for a second? (and don't worry, i'm fully aware that this is totally off-topic, but i have a fever, so it's ok) i REALLY hate ticket brokers. it should be illegal. i wanted to buy tickets to see fun. at house of blues, but those assholes bought all the tickets and NOW instead of paying $17/ticket to see them, the current going rate is hovering around $63/ticket. how is this just?
i have two choices, i guess... be broke and get to see fun. or boycott ticket brokers in general. i think i'll go with option 2.
congrats if you made it this far and if anything made sense. you win the option to purchase a ticket to see fun. at house of blues in dallas for 3.7 times the original price. lucky you.
like when i yelled...
"the bible is stupid."
-OR- "get the fuck out of my kitchen or i will stab you with this spatula."
-OR- when i contemplated picking up a knitting class. i even called bestie to ask her to enroll in it with me. apparently her oldness is wearing off on me.
-OR- when i threw her annoying wiener dog out the window of a fast-moving car because she was being whiny. ok, that one didn't happen. but i DID contemplate it.
soooo late one night... after we've all been drinking (which honestly was probably a bad idea to begin with), my momster decides to start quizzing the ferret on his religious beliefs. (honestly, woman, where is your TACT?) and this lasts for 3 hours... during which she starts out being all sweet and inquisitive and then spouting out ridiculous facts and how she cannot believe the crazy stuff they put in the book of mormon. i'm like, "oh really, woman? you believe in burning bushes talking and seas parting and all the other crazy stories in the bible, but you're going to hinge your disbelief in mormonism on the fact that the book of mormon has some far-fetched stories in it? and because of these far-fetched stories you basically think the book of mormon is stupid? well, then following THAT logic, the bible is stupid, too!"
obviously not my finest moment, but my mama bear claws came out and i had to protect my baby ferret. although he handled it a lot more gracefully than i did. i don't care what your beliefs are, please don't attack others' beliefs and call them dumb. especially not the person i'm in love with... who doesn't practice that religion anymore but just grew up in it. come on, now. common. sense.
then one night i was making my infamous chocolate chip cookies in a new oven (which is actually not so new and kind of sucks) in our super awesome duplex and she's standing over my shoulder ridiculing me about each step... "uh, hi? momster? i've made these before. they are delish. GET OFF MY BACK! did you not learn when i divorced the last guy because he kept telling me what to do in the kitchen just to be a jerk? (note to you dear readers that this was not the only reason i divorced him, but it was part of it) well, i did. get the fuck out of my kitchen before i stab you with this spatula!"
she listened. it was good.
then i decided i wanted her to knit a blanket for me. so we went to the knitting store and it took three hours. i would have given my first born ferret spawn of satan child just to get out of that place, so i agreed to take some knitting classes. then i called bestie. then she reminded me that i'm only 26. then i got the heck out of dodge.
then we drove to san antonio to celebrate her friend's aunt's 100th birthday... it was a long, difficult drive ever since mile 5 when i figured out that the damn rental car didn't have an ipod jack and we were stuck listening to the radio. and then the wiener started whining... and then it was four hours later and i was tired and i threatened that little wiener dog... just a little to get her to shut up. because i will someday be a good mom like that.
anywho... the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful... except for the night we went out to dinner with my mom, her financial planner, his bitchy girlfriend he met on match.com and ferret, of course... and this couple was making out and humping inches away from our table. that's not awkward at all. welcome to lower greenville, y'all. it's classy here.
so. for real. that was it. all the highlights anyway. now i'm done and can quit avoiding this blog like the plague.
can i vent for a second? (and don't worry, i'm fully aware that this is totally off-topic, but i have a fever, so it's ok) i REALLY hate ticket brokers. it should be illegal. i wanted to buy tickets to see fun. at house of blues, but those assholes bought all the tickets and NOW instead of paying $17/ticket to see them, the current going rate is hovering around $63/ticket. how is this just?
i have two choices, i guess... be broke and get to see fun. or boycott ticket brokers in general. i think i'll go with option 2.
congrats if you made it this far and if anything made sense. you win the option to purchase a ticket to see fun. at house of blues in dallas for 3.7 times the original price. lucky you.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
we survived.
we survived the great momster visit of 2012 with all of our limbs intact. details will follow shortly once i've sufficiently recovered from the tornado that is the momster.
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