christmas rats, christmas trips, christmas moving & other extremely christmassy things...

unfortunately all i wanted for christmas i did not get... and what i wanted was that giant ROUS (rodent of unusual size, yes, i love princess bride) DEAD. despite the many traps we set out inside our place and the numerous traps the landlord set outside, it has been over a week and still no dead rodent... we haven't seen any signs of droppings, the house doesn't smell like he decided to make a wall in our house his final resting place and there have been no other instances of vicious attacks on our kitchen... so. strange.

it's almost like he's a ghost rat. which would make sense since our duplex is already haunted by edith. yes, we named her. yes, we love her because she's a nice ghost. for the most part. she just has this thing where she hates electronics and likes to mess with them a lot. and open and close doors. but there haven't been any scary mishaps, so it would only make sense that she have a ghost pet rat.

i'm not too worried about it since i'm moving... ooooooh... tomorrow. i'm stressed but excited but anxious... so you know, all good feelings :) i don't know why i was on crack and thought moving on new year's eve was a good idea, but you know... i don't always have the best ideas. in fact, normally my ideas are really awful. take this one for example.

it's a good thing that i spent the last six days in arizona for christmas. i got to meet ferret's family and friends... i was pleasantly surprised by how awesome/welcoming everyone was. it was probably one of the best vacations i've ever had with someone. even though he has 1.2 million friends and i was on what felt like a national stand-up comedy tour since we hung out with almost all 1.2 million of them during the six days we were in town. it was a whirlwind, but damn, it was fun.

i even got to ride a quad (four wheeler for those of us from texas... only this isn't just any four wheeler, it's souped up and has crazy sport suspension) up the mountains... the view was gorgeous, the weather was perfect... we even saw a little snow... ferret even let me drive (BIG mistake) and almost peed himself because i'm a little crazy when i drive. i'm female. it's natural.

christmas eve, he and his friends have this awesome tradition of riding bikes around the neighborhood to look at the luminaries that line the street. it was absolutely amazing... we even got to sit by the fire pit and indulge in hot chocolate before the ride... ferret felt so christmassy that he even wore a christmas sweater with shoulder pads... that's dedication, folks, as it was rather nipply outside. the best part was that he had to hacksaw his bike so that i could fit on it. yes, i'm an adult. no, i can't ride adult bikes. they should really make small adult bikes for midgets. it gets really embarrassing when you have to continually buy kids bikes... just sayin.

we also went to eat with a huge group of his friends at 4 peaks brewery... they have peach beer, y'all. it's incredible & goes down easy. which definitely explains why i was hungover the next day. stacy, one of ferret's best friends who is cool as shit, and i made friends with a sweater slut who decided it was too risky to wash her hands after having gone pee because she didn't want to wash the slut off her hands. i don't blame her. it's fun having slut hands. stacy decided that in case of emergency a sweater can be turned into a dress as our new friend had done. i thought that her fake boobs could serve as flotation devices, but apparently i was wrong. fake tits do NOT float, according to stacy, who had been enlightened by MANSWERS. i was sad. it felt wrong. i might have cried since my expectations had turned out to be so incredibly wrong. i might need counseling to get over it.

well... my fingers are tired of typing, so i guess that means this post is officially over. in the meantime, i'll try to think of some awesome new years resolutions for 2012.

2011 sucked. bring it on, 2012. you better be a good one.

happy new years, y'all.

all i want for christmas is a kitchen rat?

i woke up at 3 am to an empty bed, the tv on but on mute and my bedroom door wide open. apparently ferret had been woken up by what sounded like an extremely dangerous and armed intruder shuffling through our stuff in the kitchen. he grabbed his knife (instead of the gun, of course... knives are way better at killing dangerous criminals) to go save our lives... when he flipped on the lights, all he saw was that the bag of maple cookies that roomie brought back from canada ripped to shreds... he searched the entire kitchen high and low and did not find any signs of life.

once he finished telling me this crazy story, we tried to fall back asleep and all of a sudden heard the loud rustling in the kitchen again. this time he decided to try to sneak up on the imposing animal with a flashlight, but it was to no avail. sneaky little devil. the rat, not cody, of course.

apparently the rat/mouse/giant opossum had devoured 3/4 of the bag of maple cookies... annnnd at a hefty 250 calories per cookie, i hope he's happy with his newly engorged waistline. what a fat asshole.

i spent the rest of the night tossing and turning because of nightmares with giant ratlike creatures trying to attack me. so not only did he eat my yummy cookies, he caused me to lose sleep. jerk. i hope he's fat and happy. and that his stomach explodes from all those calories... or maybe i hope it implodes... less messy for me.

if his giant feast didn't cause him to keel over, i made sure to purchase a rat trap and two mouse traps to catch this asshat in the act. hopefully by tomorrow we can have a eulogy for this miscreant.

wish me luck.

whoa there, don't over-do it...

yeah, that's right... TWO posts in ONE week. that's right, bitches.

due to my divorce i've moved twice already this last year... so i figured what the heck? it's the holidays... the busiest time of the year... i think since my house sold it's time to find a new place. GENIUS idea... lemmetellya.

so NOW, not only am i scrambling to find the perfect christmas presents for my friends on a smaller budget than usual, but i now have that additional challenge of packing (fortunately for me, a lot of my stuff is still packed from the last two times i moved this year) before the new year and before and after my week long crazy christmas vacation in arizona with ferret... which, as i said before, will be extremely nerve-wracking as i get to meet the family, friends and other people affiliated with my new favorite person of life. i know. i'm a little crazy. but i kind of like my life that way.

i've also spent countless hours on the computer trying to research cheap ways to decorate that i will actually like... believe me, it's a challenge. a bigger one than it seems since i have champagne taste on a non-alcoholic drink budget (that's worse than a beer budget... TRUST me). i have yet to come up with a bigger waste of my free time... so far this activity suffices pretty well.

found this awesome couch on craig's list that i would show you a photo of but they deleted the posting because i bought that bitch last night... let's just say that it's super sexy, brown leather and super contemporary which i think will mix nicely with my antique, industrial and glittery design fetish. i love anything old, unique, rustic and shiny. that about sums it up. which could be a major train wreck, but hopefully i'll be able to post pics to prove otherwise. you be the judge.

i have also found some pretty fugly items on good 'ol craig's list as well:


sure, plaid and floral looks FABULOUS together... ummm, wow.


just what i wanted... sliding mirrored closet doors. CHECK!


gaudy AND teal... what a winning combo

oh my... and these are only a small few of the beauties available. it really makes me wonder who looked at that shit in the first place and decided to buy it. really, people?!?!

well now, i have to head off to keep up my stringent working out schedule so i can get supah hot before the great merry arizona christmas adventure... (don't worry, it's still a working title).

time flies when you're having fun??? or maybe it's just because i'm super busy...

soooo, it's been about a month and a half since my last blog... i'm pretty sure that means i fail at this blog thing. but i'm used to failure, so it's not really a big deal. plus i've been too busy to notice... and i've been having too much fun... and i've been too busy having fun. so there.

although i'm sure your life has lost a little of its sparkle with the absence of my inane ramblings. but i'm back bitches. you're welcome.

i'm signing a lease on a super cute duplex tomorrow... super stoked about that... now i will have approximately 900 sq feet of places to put all my things from my 2,300 sq foot house... which SOLD. thank you blog gods, because not long after i posted about wishing my house was sold, my wish was granted. i'm officially free, y'all. let's celebrate! but not too much because moving is expensive and now i'm poor. fun times. especially at christmas.

craig's list is creepy. when i was looking for places to live, i seriously found an ad asking for sexual favors in return for free rent, which i would have been all for except that the ad specifically stated that the whole idea was "less creepy than it sounds." i felt like if you have to clarify that then it is, in fact, a pretty creepy situation. and i feel like i've had a big enough dose of creepers this year. just sayin.

other news... i'm taking a trip to arizona to meet ferret's friends and fam... i guess this is a big step for us? who knows... i just know that i've already started memorizing facts, figures and names of all his favorite people there, started working out hardcore and am on a super strict diet and skin regiment. ok, i might be exaggerating a little, but i am kind of nervous... but if they love him, they should love me. because he's basically me in a man's body. which makes me feel kind of vain for being with him, but whatever. the awesomeness far outweighs any vanity...

i am, however, going to have to chill it with the inappropriateness during my trip... i don't want these people getting the right idea about me BEFORE they start loving me. i should probably chill it with the inappropriateness in general. i've started to notice that other people notice. exhibit a: me and my friends (bestie and gaybian... who isn't really gay, more just metro) were eating at in n out burger during lunch the other day when i started talking about how one of my friends has been really stressed lately and probably just needs to get laid... i didn't realize how loudly i was talking until the creeper next to us looked over at us, asked us if she was cute and said he could help her out for an hour... WOW. people are crazy. or maybe i'm crazy for talking about such things loudly, but that's just how i do it, kids. get used to it. or maybe that should be one of my new year's resolutions. but why set myself up for failure?