so i was thinking...

duct tape fixes everything including, but not limited to: broken furniture, torn books, dumb ideas and opossum hair...

i WOULD pick friday the 13th...

to do my first post of the new year... but alas, this friday the 13th has been no more horrific than any other day. for me, at least... my friend from high school was in labor for 15 hours starting yesterday afternoon and finally gave birth to a precious baby girl early this morning... so i'm sure that was rather horrific, but at least she got the reward of her newborn bundle of joy...

who am i kidding? labor for 15 hours is probably cake compared to the months that follow filled with no sleep, poopy diapers, shittons of crying and did i mention NO SLEEP?! when i get no sleep (read: when i get less than 8 hours of sleep because after less than 8 hours of sleep i am just a shell of the person i used to be), the world ENDS. i am a zombie and i cannot function. pair that with a screaming, pooping mess & i'm pretty sure i'll start having visions of throwing my child out of the window... i don't care how cute it is when it's actually sleeping five minutes at a time. i'm probably unfit for child bearing/rearing. oh well, at least i have time to work through such issues.

enough about babies... (since i've been hearing a lot about them lately)...

i'm sure you've all been anxiously awaiting my new year's resolutions... actually i'm sure you haven't because honestly i haven't even thought about them and they're mine. so i'm sure you care even less than i do... but ALAS...

NY RESOLUTIONS 2012
1. become more independent... sad to say i am one of those people who constantly needs to be entertained... and not by myself, by other people. i am one of those people, when left to the choice to hang out with them self or some friends, will pick my friends over me every single time. for some reason, i have a sneaking suspicion that that's not cool.
2. eat more cheese fries... i consumed a lot this summer during what i would call "the dark time" (aka the divorce days) but have really slacked for the rest of the year. this year, i vow to consume cheese fries more consistently.
3. stand up for myself... i'm one of those people that's really nice (i'm sure, you're surprised... i understand, but this is the one place where i really speak my mind)... so nice that i let people walk all over me and don't ask them for what i need because i'm afraid to make them go out of their way. then when someone takes advantage of my niceness, i get hurt and act all surprised. hey, idiot, letting people walk all over you is just as bad as them walking all over you. 'nuff said.
4. see the ghost... sooo we all know that i had a ghost at the last place i lived at with my (now, ex-)roommate... well, it turns out that in the duplex i currently live at that the guy next door had passed away... i'm CONVINCED that his spirit is still wandering the property. so, here's to you, tex... hopefully we'll meet sometime in the near future.
5. have fun, make no apologies for having fun... self-explanatory. 2011 sucked, so now it's time to make up for it in 2012. i'm already making headway towards this goal as sara and i are shooting a wedding in england in october... happy birthday to ME! which is already shittons better than my asshat of a birthday month this year where i got divorced. see? resolutions CAN come true :)

also, i probably need to sleep more... but i'm not going to make an official resolution out of it because i'm absolutely positive that there's no way it will happen... we can sleep when we're dead, right?

in other news... miss moo has recently received three stuffed rats as presents... i bought her the first one from my brave venture to ikea by myself ON A SATURDAY (i know, i'm a masochist) and then ferret got her two more when he ventured to ikea by himself on a WEEKDAY during the day... yeah, i know... weaksauce. he should probably step it up... miss moo can't choose between the three and instead is spending countless hours trying to figure out how to juggle all three at one time... she's making great strides toward perfection but most of the time she likes to run around the house in circles on an invisible race track with one of them secured in the clutches of her jowls... it's cute. for. now.

hope everyone had a happy new year... happy MLK, Jr weekend... am i the only person that's angry i don't get monday off? i'm going to eat fried chicken in protest. way to stick it to the man, huh?

christmas rats, christmas trips, christmas moving & other extremely christmassy things...

unfortunately all i wanted for christmas i did not get... and what i wanted was that giant ROUS (rodent of unusual size, yes, i love princess bride) DEAD. despite the many traps we set out inside our place and the numerous traps the landlord set outside, it has been over a week and still no dead rodent... we haven't seen any signs of droppings, the house doesn't smell like he decided to make a wall in our house his final resting place and there have been no other instances of vicious attacks on our kitchen... so. strange.

it's almost like he's a ghost rat. which would make sense since our duplex is already haunted by edith. yes, we named her. yes, we love her because she's a nice ghost. for the most part. she just has this thing where she hates electronics and likes to mess with them a lot. and open and close doors. but there haven't been any scary mishaps, so it would only make sense that she have a ghost pet rat.

i'm not too worried about it since i'm moving... ooooooh... tomorrow. i'm stressed but excited but anxious... so you know, all good feelings :) i don't know why i was on crack and thought moving on new year's eve was a good idea, but you know... i don't always have the best ideas. in fact, normally my ideas are really awful. take this one for example.

it's a good thing that i spent the last six days in arizona for christmas. i got to meet ferret's family and friends... i was pleasantly surprised by how awesome/welcoming everyone was. it was probably one of the best vacations i've ever had with someone. even though he has 1.2 million friends and i was on what felt like a national stand-up comedy tour since we hung out with almost all 1.2 million of them during the six days we were in town. it was a whirlwind, but damn, it was fun.

i even got to ride a quad (four wheeler for those of us from texas... only this isn't just any four wheeler, it's souped up and has crazy sport suspension) up the mountains... the view was gorgeous, the weather was perfect... we even saw a little snow... ferret even let me drive (BIG mistake) and almost peed himself because i'm a little crazy when i drive. i'm female. it's natural.

christmas eve, he and his friends have this awesome tradition of riding bikes around the neighborhood to look at the luminaries that line the street. it was absolutely amazing... we even got to sit by the fire pit and indulge in hot chocolate before the ride... ferret felt so christmassy that he even wore a christmas sweater with shoulder pads... that's dedication, folks, as it was rather nipply outside. the best part was that he had to hacksaw his bike so that i could fit on it. yes, i'm an adult. no, i can't ride adult bikes. they should really make small adult bikes for midgets. it gets really embarrassing when you have to continually buy kids bikes... just sayin.

we also went to eat with a huge group of his friends at 4 peaks brewery... they have peach beer, y'all. it's incredible & goes down easy. which definitely explains why i was hungover the next day. stacy, one of ferret's best friends who is cool as shit, and i made friends with a sweater slut who decided it was too risky to wash her hands after having gone pee because she didn't want to wash the slut off her hands. i don't blame her. it's fun having slut hands. stacy decided that in case of emergency a sweater can be turned into a dress as our new friend had done. i thought that her fake boobs could serve as flotation devices, but apparently i was wrong. fake tits do NOT float, according to stacy, who had been enlightened by MANSWERS. i was sad. it felt wrong. i might have cried since my expectations had turned out to be so incredibly wrong. i might need counseling to get over it.

well... my fingers are tired of typing, so i guess that means this post is officially over. in the meantime, i'll try to think of some awesome new years resolutions for 2012.

2011 sucked. bring it on, 2012. you better be a good one.

happy new years, y'all.

all i want for christmas is a kitchen rat?

i woke up at 3 am to an empty bed, the tv on but on mute and my bedroom door wide open. apparently ferret had been woken up by what sounded like an extremely dangerous and armed intruder shuffling through our stuff in the kitchen. he grabbed his knife (instead of the gun, of course... knives are way better at killing dangerous criminals) to go save our lives... when he flipped on the lights, all he saw was that the bag of maple cookies that roomie brought back from canada ripped to shreds... he searched the entire kitchen high and low and did not find any signs of life.

once he finished telling me this crazy story, we tried to fall back asleep and all of a sudden heard the loud rustling in the kitchen again. this time he decided to try to sneak up on the imposing animal with a flashlight, but it was to no avail. sneaky little devil. the rat, not cody, of course.

apparently the rat/mouse/giant opossum had devoured 3/4 of the bag of maple cookies... annnnd at a hefty 250 calories per cookie, i hope he's happy with his newly engorged waistline. what a fat asshole.

i spent the rest of the night tossing and turning because of nightmares with giant ratlike creatures trying to attack me. so not only did he eat my yummy cookies, he caused me to lose sleep. jerk. i hope he's fat and happy. and that his stomach explodes from all those calories... or maybe i hope it implodes... less messy for me.

if his giant feast didn't cause him to keel over, i made sure to purchase a rat trap and two mouse traps to catch this asshat in the act. hopefully by tomorrow we can have a eulogy for this miscreant.

wish me luck.

whoa there, don't over-do it...

yeah, that's right... TWO posts in ONE week. that's right, bitches.

due to my divorce i've moved twice already this last year... so i figured what the heck? it's the holidays... the busiest time of the year... i think since my house sold it's time to find a new place. GENIUS idea... lemmetellya.

so NOW, not only am i scrambling to find the perfect christmas presents for my friends on a smaller budget than usual, but i now have that additional challenge of packing (fortunately for me, a lot of my stuff is still packed from the last two times i moved this year) before the new year and before and after my week long crazy christmas vacation in arizona with ferret... which, as i said before, will be extremely nerve-wracking as i get to meet the family, friends and other people affiliated with my new favorite person of life. i know. i'm a little crazy. but i kind of like my life that way.

i've also spent countless hours on the computer trying to research cheap ways to decorate that i will actually like... believe me, it's a challenge. a bigger one than it seems since i have champagne taste on a non-alcoholic drink budget (that's worse than a beer budget... TRUST me). i have yet to come up with a bigger waste of my free time... so far this activity suffices pretty well.

found this awesome couch on craig's list that i would show you a photo of but they deleted the posting because i bought that bitch last night... let's just say that it's super sexy, brown leather and super contemporary which i think will mix nicely with my antique, industrial and glittery design fetish. i love anything old, unique, rustic and shiny. that about sums it up. which could be a major train wreck, but hopefully i'll be able to post pics to prove otherwise. you be the judge.

i have also found some pretty fugly items on good 'ol craig's list as well:


sure, plaid and floral looks FABULOUS together... ummm, wow.


just what i wanted... sliding mirrored closet doors. CHECK!


gaudy AND teal... what a winning combo

oh my... and these are only a small few of the beauties available. it really makes me wonder who looked at that shit in the first place and decided to buy it. really, people?!?!

well now, i have to head off to keep up my stringent working out schedule so i can get supah hot before the great merry arizona christmas adventure... (don't worry, it's still a working title).

time flies when you're having fun??? or maybe it's just because i'm super busy...

soooo, it's been about a month and a half since my last blog... i'm pretty sure that means i fail at this blog thing. but i'm used to failure, so it's not really a big deal. plus i've been too busy to notice... and i've been having too much fun... and i've been too busy having fun. so there.

although i'm sure your life has lost a little of its sparkle with the absence of my inane ramblings. but i'm back bitches. you're welcome.

i'm signing a lease on a super cute duplex tomorrow... super stoked about that... now i will have approximately 900 sq feet of places to put all my things from my 2,300 sq foot house... which SOLD. thank you blog gods, because not long after i posted about wishing my house was sold, my wish was granted. i'm officially free, y'all. let's celebrate! but not too much because moving is expensive and now i'm poor. fun times. especially at christmas.

craig's list is creepy. when i was looking for places to live, i seriously found an ad asking for sexual favors in return for free rent, which i would have been all for except that the ad specifically stated that the whole idea was "less creepy than it sounds." i felt like if you have to clarify that then it is, in fact, a pretty creepy situation. and i feel like i've had a big enough dose of creepers this year. just sayin.

other news... i'm taking a trip to arizona to meet ferret's friends and fam... i guess this is a big step for us? who knows... i just know that i've already started memorizing facts, figures and names of all his favorite people there, started working out hardcore and am on a super strict diet and skin regiment. ok, i might be exaggerating a little, but i am kind of nervous... but if they love him, they should love me. because he's basically me in a man's body. which makes me feel kind of vain for being with him, but whatever. the awesomeness far outweighs any vanity...

i am, however, going to have to chill it with the inappropriateness during my trip... i don't want these people getting the right idea about me BEFORE they start loving me. i should probably chill it with the inappropriateness in general. i've started to notice that other people notice. exhibit a: me and my friends (bestie and gaybian... who isn't really gay, more just metro) were eating at in n out burger during lunch the other day when i started talking about how one of my friends has been really stressed lately and probably just needs to get laid... i didn't realize how loudly i was talking until the creeper next to us looked over at us, asked us if she was cute and said he could help her out for an hour... WOW. people are crazy. or maybe i'm crazy for talking about such things loudly, but that's just how i do it, kids. get used to it. or maybe that should be one of my new year's resolutions. but why set myself up for failure?

jump out of a perfectly good plane? don't mind if i do...

as of this last sunday, i'm finally in my late twenties. *sigh* i mean, i knew it was going to happen one day or another, so i'm glad to get this milestone down now.

also, as of last monday, i'm officially divorced. i'm free, y'all. now if only i could get our house sold so it is completely over and i have 1,526 times less stress in my life. that's what i want for my birthday. p.s. the homebuyers these days are extremely picky and i have a hard time dealing with their dumb comments... you're really not going to pick my house because you don't like the paint colors? weaksauce. soooooo if i could get the saints and gods to align for me in order to get that little piece of heaven in the burbs sold that would be awesome. k thanks.

back to the birthday awesomeness... ferret told me he had a little surprise for me... which required getting up at 8 am on a saturday to go hiking. i'm not kidding you. i thought this kid knew me. apparently i was wrong. early saturday mornings + hiking + cam do NOT mix. because of his last name, i rudely lovingly refer to him as ferret... sooooo he also mentioned that we were hiking to a ferret farm so i could pick out a REAL ferret for my birthday. happy birthday to me. being the sweet girlfriend that i am, i complained the entire time we were driving and threatened to do equally unfun things to him for his birthday... that is, until we pulled up to the skydiving place. holy hell, y'all, i completely lost my shit, started screaming and immediately declared him the best boyfriend of life. because clearly best boyfriend of the year wasn't enough for such an awesome present. he even got me a video and still photos so i could prove to people how crazy i am.
obviously i have a screw loose because i lacked even the least bit of nervousness... & i can't tell you how glad i am that i did it. seriously one of the coolest things i've ever done in my life. all thanks to my awesome boyfriend. i take it back about doing something lame for your birthday... now i totally have some stepping it up to do in the present department :)

we also got a group together to go eat at nosh... it's an extremely awesome restaurant in dallas off of oak lawn for serious foodies. everything we ate was absolutely fantastic and i highly recommend it. AND everyone has an awesome attitude and is super helpful as far as the staff goes. after nosh, we took an even bigger group out to teddy's... it's a club with burlesque shows a couple times a night. despite the fact that i almost faceplanted on the way in and then we got poured on on the way out it was tons of fun. especially the part where i got hit on by a creepy dude when ferret was closing the tab. dallas guys are ridiculous and have a hard time dealing with rejection. wait, i guess that's guys in general. or people in general. whatevs. oh and the DJ kept spinning LMFAO... one of my least favorite bands of all time. thankfully i had all my best friends and my amazing boyfriend to make the night fun despite all the craziness. best. birthday. ever.

plus, my roomie is amazing & made me the cutest ninja turtle birthday cake. try not to be jealous. it will be hard.