christmas rats, christmas trips, christmas moving & other extremely christmassy things...

unfortunately all i wanted for christmas i did not get... and what i wanted was that giant ROUS (rodent of unusual size, yes, i love princess bride) DEAD. despite the many traps we set out inside our place and the numerous traps the landlord set outside, it has been over a week and still no dead rodent... we haven't seen any signs of droppings, the house doesn't smell like he decided to make a wall in our house his final resting place and there have been no other instances of vicious attacks on our kitchen... so. strange.

it's almost like he's a ghost rat. which would make sense since our duplex is already haunted by edith. yes, we named her. yes, we love her because she's a nice ghost. for the most part. she just has this thing where she hates electronics and likes to mess with them a lot. and open and close doors. but there haven't been any scary mishaps, so it would only make sense that she have a ghost pet rat.

i'm not too worried about it since i'm moving... ooooooh... tomorrow. i'm stressed but excited but anxious... so you know, all good feelings :) i don't know why i was on crack and thought moving on new year's eve was a good idea, but you know... i don't always have the best ideas. in fact, normally my ideas are really awful. take this one for example.

it's a good thing that i spent the last six days in arizona for christmas. i got to meet ferret's family and friends... i was pleasantly surprised by how awesome/welcoming everyone was. it was probably one of the best vacations i've ever had with someone. even though he has 1.2 million friends and i was on what felt like a national stand-up comedy tour since we hung out with almost all 1.2 million of them during the six days we were in town. it was a whirlwind, but damn, it was fun.

i even got to ride a quad (four wheeler for those of us from texas... only this isn't just any four wheeler, it's souped up and has crazy sport suspension) up the mountains... the view was gorgeous, the weather was perfect... we even saw a little snow... ferret even let me drive (BIG mistake) and almost peed himself because i'm a little crazy when i drive. i'm female. it's natural.

christmas eve, he and his friends have this awesome tradition of riding bikes around the neighborhood to look at the luminaries that line the street. it was absolutely amazing... we even got to sit by the fire pit and indulge in hot chocolate before the ride... ferret felt so christmassy that he even wore a christmas sweater with shoulder pads... that's dedication, folks, as it was rather nipply outside. the best part was that he had to hacksaw his bike so that i could fit on it. yes, i'm an adult. no, i can't ride adult bikes. they should really make small adult bikes for midgets. it gets really embarrassing when you have to continually buy kids bikes... just sayin.

we also went to eat with a huge group of his friends at 4 peaks brewery... they have peach beer, y'all. it's incredible & goes down easy. which definitely explains why i was hungover the next day. stacy, one of ferret's best friends who is cool as shit, and i made friends with a sweater slut who decided it was too risky to wash her hands after having gone pee because she didn't want to wash the slut off her hands. i don't blame her. it's fun having slut hands. stacy decided that in case of emergency a sweater can be turned into a dress as our new friend had done. i thought that her fake boobs could serve as flotation devices, but apparently i was wrong. fake tits do NOT float, according to stacy, who had been enlightened by MANSWERS. i was sad. it felt wrong. i might have cried since my expectations had turned out to be so incredibly wrong. i might need counseling to get over it.

well... my fingers are tired of typing, so i guess that means this post is officially over. in the meantime, i'll try to think of some awesome new years resolutions for 2012.

2011 sucked. bring it on, 2012. you better be a good one.

happy new years, y'all.

all i want for christmas is a kitchen rat?

i woke up at 3 am to an empty bed, the tv on but on mute and my bedroom door wide open. apparently ferret had been woken up by what sounded like an extremely dangerous and armed intruder shuffling through our stuff in the kitchen. he grabbed his knife (instead of the gun, of course... knives are way better at killing dangerous criminals) to go save our lives... when he flipped on the lights, all he saw was that the bag of maple cookies that roomie brought back from canada ripped to shreds... he searched the entire kitchen high and low and did not find any signs of life.

once he finished telling me this crazy story, we tried to fall back asleep and all of a sudden heard the loud rustling in the kitchen again. this time he decided to try to sneak up on the imposing animal with a flashlight, but it was to no avail. sneaky little devil. the rat, not cody, of course.

apparently the rat/mouse/giant opossum had devoured 3/4 of the bag of maple cookies... annnnd at a hefty 250 calories per cookie, i hope he's happy with his newly engorged waistline. what a fat asshole.

i spent the rest of the night tossing and turning because of nightmares with giant ratlike creatures trying to attack me. so not only did he eat my yummy cookies, he caused me to lose sleep. jerk. i hope he's fat and happy. and that his stomach explodes from all those calories... or maybe i hope it implodes... less messy for me.

if his giant feast didn't cause him to keel over, i made sure to purchase a rat trap and two mouse traps to catch this asshat in the act. hopefully by tomorrow we can have a eulogy for this miscreant.

wish me luck.