avoidance...

it's almost as ugly as jealousy... but, here i am, fully partaking in a covert operation to avoid my blog so i can avoid having to write about the momster visit. and, dear blog, for that i am sorry. it's not that anything bad happened or that nothing blog-worthy happened. it's just... i kind of blacked out from being nervous during the entire thing, so i only remember bits and pieces... true gems...

 like when i yelled...
"the bible is stupid."
-OR- "get the fuck out of my kitchen or i will stab you with this spatula."

-OR- when i contemplated picking up a knitting class. i even called bestie to ask her to enroll in it with me. apparently her oldness is wearing off on me.

-OR- when i threw her annoying wiener dog out the window of a fast-moving car because she was being whiny. ok, that one didn't happen. but i DID contemplate it.

soooo late one night... after we've all been drinking (which honestly was probably a bad idea to begin with), my momster decides to start quizzing the ferret on his religious beliefs. (honestly, woman, where is your TACT?) and this lasts for 3 hours... during which she starts out being all sweet and inquisitive and then spouting out ridiculous facts and how she cannot believe the crazy stuff they put in the book of mormon. i'm like, "oh really, woman? you believe in burning bushes talking and seas parting and all the other crazy stories in the bible, but you're going to hinge your disbelief in mormonism on the fact that the book of mormon has some far-fetched stories in it? and because of these far-fetched stories you basically think the book of mormon is stupid? well, then following THAT logic, the bible is stupid, too!"

obviously not my finest moment, but my mama bear claws came out and i had to protect my baby ferret. although he handled it a lot more gracefully than i did. i don't care what your beliefs are, please don't attack others' beliefs and call them dumb. especially not the person i'm in love with... who doesn't practice that religion anymore but just grew up in it. come on, now. common. sense.

then one night i was making my infamous chocolate chip cookies in a new oven (which is actually not so new and kind of sucks) in our super awesome duplex and she's standing over my shoulder ridiculing me about each step... "uh, hi? momster? i've made these before. they are delish. GET OFF MY BACK! did you not learn when i divorced the last guy because he kept telling me what to do in the kitchen just to be a jerk? (note to you dear readers that this was not the only reason i divorced him, but it was part of it) well, i did. get the fuck out of my kitchen before i stab you with this spatula!"

she listened. it was good.

then i decided i wanted her to knit a blanket for me. so we went to the knitting store and it took three hours. i would have given my first born ferret spawn of satan child just to get out of that place, so i agreed to take some knitting classes. then i called bestie. then she reminded me that i'm only 26. then i got the heck out of dodge.

then we drove to san antonio to celebrate her friend's aunt's 100th birthday... it was a long, difficult drive ever since mile 5 when i figured out that the damn rental car didn't have an ipod jack and we were stuck listening to the radio. and then the wiener started whining... and then it was four hours later and i was tired and i threatened that little wiener dog... just a little to get her to shut up. because i will someday be a good mom like that.

anywho... the rest of the trip was pretty uneventful... except for the night we went out to dinner with my mom, her financial planner, his bitchy girlfriend he met on match.com and ferret, of course... and this couple was making out and humping inches away from our table. that's not awkward at all. welcome to lower greenville, y'all. it's classy here.

so. for real. that was it. all the highlights anyway. now i'm done and can quit avoiding this blog like the plague.

can i vent for a second? (and don't worry, i'm fully aware that this is totally off-topic, but i have a fever, so it's ok) i REALLY hate ticket brokers. it should be illegal. i wanted to buy tickets to see fun. at house of blues, but those assholes bought all the tickets and NOW instead of paying $17/ticket to see them, the current going rate is hovering around $63/ticket. how is this just?

i have two choices, i guess... be broke and get to see fun. or boycott ticket brokers in general. i think i'll go with option 2.

congrats if you made it this far and if anything made sense. you win the option to purchase a ticket to see fun. at house of blues in dallas for 3.7 times the original price. lucky you.

carrot top is alive & well

howdy, y'all... as we like to say in texas. not that i've ever openly admitted to the fact that i'm from texas except for all intensive blog purposes, but that'll do. in fact, most of the time i claim seattle as my hometown... even though i lived there from ages -7.5 months to 4 years (i was a preemie) and have served the majority of my life sentence down here in hell texas. i'm largely in denial. and that's a theme that seems prevalent in many areas of my life.

i turn 26 in roughly a month. and i'm getting divorced. which just so happily will happen less than a week before i venture into my "late twenties." happy birthday... you're divorced. believe it or not, this was all a part of my master life plan.

hopefully you're no stranger to the use of sarcasm. i'm sarcasm's best friend. and worst enemy. which doesn't really make sense, but seemed to fit, so i wrote it anyway. sue me. but i digress...

so i went to a concert at house of blues last night with my boyfriend to see some largely unheard of bands: run run run, remington, missile and (my favorite which sounds like if MGMT and foster the people had a lovechild out of wedlock) gentlemen hall. it was definitely good stuff... if you're looking to drop some scrilla on itunes, i highly recommend gentlemen hall's CD "when we all disappear"... it's the best $5.94 you'll ever spend. TRUST. so anyway... we're just hanging out... watching all the underage high school kids trying to be cool and dancing... let me tell you... there is something incredibly ego-boosting about watching white kids at an alternative concert try to be cool and dance. but then we felt like assholes because we were some of the oldest people at the concert. touche, awfully dancing and uncool white kids. touche.

my man managed to run off to the restroom and while i was standing there trying to enjoy a little personal time, out of the corner of my eye, i spot old man time staring at me... wait, no... he was more than staring... he was eye fucking me. with a gaze of pure enjoyment. i quickly tried to ensure that my ass wasn't hanging out of my super short dress, grabbed my shit and ran. just the idea of wrinkly balls scares me, y'all.

so there i am stressing out... texting my boyfriend to come back and save me... practicing my loud neighing skills in case old man time decides to upgrade from across the room eye fucking to full on old man on late 20's girl raping and my man shows up on his white steed in full armour to rescue me. i was so happy to see him and escape the impending pillaging that i forgot to ask him where he found the horse.

then i spotted carrot top. who almost molested the couple standing behind us who looked like they were having a fabulous time by standing still with these awesome grimaces on their faces (remember what i said about sarcasm. get used to it if you're not). or he could have almost molested the drunk girl with her white shirt half falling off. either one. i wasn't sure what his target was because before i knew it, our steed carried us off into the parking lot so we could safely make it home despite the crazy crowd orgies that were going on.

all in all, it was a good night. especially since we narrowly escaped pillaging. oh and the music was cool, too.

moral of the story: don't get left by yourself in a crowd at a concert. especially not at a concert that old man time & carrot top decide to attend. unless your man finds a random white steed to carry you to safety.