Happy Friday, everyone!
Friday, August 24, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
i'm alive!
which almost wouldn't have been possible if the flying cooler that fell out of the back of a truck on the highway had succeed in brutally assaulting me today. fortunately for me, the mini is nimble and the cooler's evil attempt at manslaughter was thwarted. definitely fortunately for me. maybe fortunately for you if you're reading this. or maybe not. you decide.
if anyone actually read this thing, i'm sure they would have wondered by now where the hell i went for the last four months... but since no one does, i figure i'm safe to sneak back.
life. it has been interesting. to say the least.
i believe last time i was here, i was writing about the wonderfully awful sickness that i have had ever since i got my guardasil shot. well... i'm happy to say that WE HAVE A DIAGNOSIS! woot!
i decided, after about $500 in doctor's visits and tests that yielded no more than a shrug from the doctor, to bite the bullet and go to a homeopathic doctor (read: hippie doctor) that my brother's friend had recommended. yeah, yeah, i know. roll your eyes. i did. but AFTER rolling my eyes, i called the office and set up an appointment.
the office is about thirty minutes from my house... so not super close or anything, which left me plenty of time to freak out about the bazillion things he was going to recommend to me that would ultimately freak me out enough to go back to the regular doctors... or what i then referred to as "real" doctors. electrotherapy shock treatments, sacrificing virgins (speaking of... do you know any just in case? i don't!), ancient burial rituals (wait, do you do those if no one is dead?), the list went on and on...
i walked in the door... everything looked normal. which made me even more suspicious. then i nervously sat in the waiting room and waited (which is kind of redundant now that i think about it). they called my name and i got a tour of the office... here's the chiropractor (normal), here are the restrooms (also normal), here are the exam rooms (extremely normal)... at this point in the tour, i started to feel a little irritated. i mean, i had come up with all these awesomely creepy ideas of what it was going to be like and i was sorely disappointed. where are all the people strumming guitars and playing kumbaya FORGODSAKES?
and then. it was when i saw it. THE PRAYER WALL. i shit you not. who knew hippies were so spiritual? oh wait, i probably should have known. anyway, the chick giving me the tour was going on and on about how much they believe in prayer (which is cool and i fully support this idea) and then put me on the spot and asked me to write something on the wall. well, i'm no good when i'm put on the spot... and all i could think about praying about was that i hoped the tillamook reserve extra sharp white cheddar cheese i had brought back from oregon hadn't gone bad already. so we skipped that part.
after the prayer wall, we came to this giant room with huge windows and a crap load of recliners with people in them... just hanging out... getting IVs. yeah it was weird. kind of looked like some strange science experiment... or maybe aliens had landed and were planning to take over these people's bodies. who knows. apparently, according to my tour guide, these IVs are really helpful and can heal people of many, many sicknesses and implant a tiny computer chip in your vein so you can be tracked at all times. ok, maybe she didn't say the last part. but my brain was more than happy to tell me she did, so i began to freak out... again.
i met with the doctor and he looked me over with a fine toothed comb. i'm serious. i don't think i've ever had anyone ask me as many questions or look me over as thoroughly, so he gets bonus points for that for sure. turns out, i have hypothyroidism... and i'm extremely deficient in vitamin D. so i got prescribed some thyroid meds and was told to take vitamin D every day. easy enough. AND THEN HE HUGGED ME. which was awkward. because i have boundaries, y'all. and letting my doctor touch me in a non-doctorly way is totally infringing on said boundaries. but i let him do it. and my skin crawled the whole time. but you know what? i'm still alive. i guess hugs CAN'T kill you. weird.
ever since i started his regimen he requested i've been feeling a TON better. so... yeah, now i love hippie doctors. i've been converted. fully. i'm even thinking about getting an "i love hippie doctors" tattoo... for some reason the ferret nixed that idea, but whatever... i have ways of changing his mind ;)
if anyone actually read this thing, i'm sure they would have wondered by now where the hell i went for the last four months... but since no one does, i figure i'm safe to sneak back.
life. it has been interesting. to say the least.
i believe last time i was here, i was writing about the wonderfully awful sickness that i have had ever since i got my guardasil shot. well... i'm happy to say that WE HAVE A DIAGNOSIS! woot!
i decided, after about $500 in doctor's visits and tests that yielded no more than a shrug from the doctor, to bite the bullet and go to a homeopathic doctor (read: hippie doctor) that my brother's friend had recommended. yeah, yeah, i know. roll your eyes. i did. but AFTER rolling my eyes, i called the office and set up an appointment.
the office is about thirty minutes from my house... so not super close or anything, which left me plenty of time to freak out about the bazillion things he was going to recommend to me that would ultimately freak me out enough to go back to the regular doctors... or what i then referred to as "real" doctors. electrotherapy shock treatments, sacrificing virgins (speaking of... do you know any just in case? i don't!), ancient burial rituals (wait, do you do those if no one is dead?), the list went on and on...
i walked in the door... everything looked normal. which made me even more suspicious. then i nervously sat in the waiting room and waited (which is kind of redundant now that i think about it). they called my name and i got a tour of the office... here's the chiropractor (normal), here are the restrooms (also normal), here are the exam rooms (extremely normal)... at this point in the tour, i started to feel a little irritated. i mean, i had come up with all these awesomely creepy ideas of what it was going to be like and i was sorely disappointed. where are all the people strumming guitars and playing kumbaya FORGODSAKES?
and then. it was when i saw it. THE PRAYER WALL. i shit you not. who knew hippies were so spiritual? oh wait, i probably should have known. anyway, the chick giving me the tour was going on and on about how much they believe in prayer (which is cool and i fully support this idea) and then put me on the spot and asked me to write something on the wall. well, i'm no good when i'm put on the spot... and all i could think about praying about was that i hoped the tillamook reserve extra sharp white cheddar cheese i had brought back from oregon hadn't gone bad already. so we skipped that part.
after the prayer wall, we came to this giant room with huge windows and a crap load of recliners with people in them... just hanging out... getting IVs. yeah it was weird. kind of looked like some strange science experiment... or maybe aliens had landed and were planning to take over these people's bodies. who knows. apparently, according to my tour guide, these IVs are really helpful and can heal people of many, many sicknesses and implant a tiny computer chip in your vein so you can be tracked at all times. ok, maybe she didn't say the last part. but my brain was more than happy to tell me she did, so i began to freak out... again.
i met with the doctor and he looked me over with a fine toothed comb. i'm serious. i don't think i've ever had anyone ask me as many questions or look me over as thoroughly, so he gets bonus points for that for sure. turns out, i have hypothyroidism... and i'm extremely deficient in vitamin D. so i got prescribed some thyroid meds and was told to take vitamin D every day. easy enough. AND THEN HE HUGGED ME. which was awkward. because i have boundaries, y'all. and letting my doctor touch me in a non-doctorly way is totally infringing on said boundaries. but i let him do it. and my skin crawled the whole time. but you know what? i'm still alive. i guess hugs CAN'T kill you. weird.
ever since i started his regimen he requested i've been feeling a TON better. so... yeah, now i love hippie doctors. i've been converted. fully. i'm even thinking about getting an "i love hippie doctors" tattoo... for some reason the ferret nixed that idea, but whatever... i have ways of changing his mind ;)
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